These feet. These tiny, perfect, happy little feet. These feet belong to a boy who has my heart. I could not love this boy and his feet more if I tried. The skin over his big right toe grows in just a little to the left. He loves to eat his feet (especially during diaper changes) and he always loves to tap his heel onto my legs when I’m giving him a bottle, much like an old man would do in a rocking chair drinking sweet tea on his porch…
Why do I know every single detail of this boy’s life? Because I’m his Mommy and because he was handpicked for me. Because God always knows exactly what we need and who we need. This first year as a parent has taught me more in 8 months than what I’ve learned my entire life before I had him. It’s astonishing to think that nothing will truly bring me more joy than being this boy’s Mama. It’s astonishing to think that I will never be happier than I am right now. Life is so perfect right now, not good, perfect.
So I was surprised this morning…surprised when I left Starbucks and I was in the middle of reading a pregnancy announcement on Instagram from a famous Mommy blogger when I began to feel a little jealous. I don’t even know this person which makes this blogpost seem even more ridiculous. The post was from a Mom and she was announcing her 2nd pregnancy. And for half a second, I became envious. I wanted that to be me. A small wind of disappointment came over me because at that moment I wanted to be pregnant. I know this sounds crazy. How many moms of 8 month-old babies want a newborn?? But make no mistake, I LOVE babies and if I could have 10 right now I would.
So I ask myself that horrible, unwanted word…why?
Why would I ever want more than what I have right now? Why would I want to change anything in my life when it’s perfect the way it is right now?
Because desire is a learned habit. Because in our society, more is more. Because if we have everything we need…what else is left?
I stop myself. I am angry at myself for wishing for anything other than what my son has already given me. I make it a point in that present moment to be thankful for what I have. My family and friends are all that I’ll ever need below God and I sure as heck don’t ever want my son to hear me say “I want more.” Because what does that say to him as a child?
A.) I must not be good enough for Mommy and/or B.) If she’s never happy, I’ll probably never be happy.
I vow to myself and my family that today, those words will never come out of my mouth.
I saw a quote online this week and it said “If it doesn’t open it’s not your door.” Wow. Powerful stuff. I so remember the days after my miscarriage when I cried and cried because I grieved the loss of that baby. And one dear, sweet mother told me “I just think, if I wouldn’t have had that miscarriage then, I wouldn’t have the children that I do now.” And that needs no explanation for parents of children. After hearing that, I especially will tell you that I would go through a million miscarriages to get to the son that I have today. And I wouldn’t question it for a second.
Sometimes road bumps lead us to bigger bridges. Road construction means there’s something better up ahead, right?
The only thing we truly need in this life are friends and family. They are the ones we laugh and cry and share our moments with. They are the ones we create our irreplaceable, priceless memories with. I challenge you today, to be content with what you have. To do what you need to do to be happy. To grab your life by the wheel and say, THIS IS ENOUGH.” Because you know what else is a learned habit? Contentment. And once we keep reminding ourselves that what we have is enough, eventually, it will be.
Possessions do not produce contentment, people do.
And tiny little happy feet. 🙂
To read about my miscarriage story, click here.